The Picture of Perfection
by MistahWompah
Summary: Konoha is the best place ever and if you disagree then you are a horrible person. NOT A TROLL FIC (THIS IS AN IRONIC STATEMENT BECAUSE THIS FIC ACTUALLY COULD BE CONSIDERED A TROLL FIC. I HAD YOU ALL FOOLED, DIDN'T I?) Rated T for bad language and sexual references. CRACK FIC! EVERYBODY IS OOC. ONESHOT.


**Well, I noticed how some people really exaggerate character traits in fics so I just wanted to try it myself. So, I turned my brain off and wrote this silly and nonsensical one shot. **

Once upon a time, there was peaceful ninja village called Konohagakure. In this village they did things that ninja do. This did not include murder, kidnapping, assassinations or theft. No, absolutely not. Konoha was Eden. Nobody could do any wrong and if you disagree then you're clearly an idiot because Konoha has the moral high ground and you don't so you should just go sit in a corner and stop judging us with all your _sensible _and _logical _friends.

Got that?

Good.

There were many things ninja did. Such as making friends and eating ramen.

Nothing else, I assure you.

There had been absolutely no conflicts with anybody - ever - in the history of Konohagakure. Konoha was a peaceful place. There was that one conflict with that Akatsuki group, but after a fresh batch of homemade cupcakes, everything was okay. Konoha and Akatsuki were now the best of friends.

There was no fighting involved whatsoever.

"I'M GOING TO BE HOKAGE DATTEBAYO!"

The tranquil setting was disrupted. A rather short chap aged 12 years skipped down the _perfect _streets of Konoha - don't you dare say otherwise - throwing flowers around in a basket. His name was Uzumaki Naruto.

"I offer you my encouragement, lad," an old man said jovially.

Naruto smiled. "THANK YOU DATTEBAYO! DO YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND I PROMISE TO PROTECT YOU FOREVER AND FOREVER I SWEAR."

"That does sound pleasant," the old man said. "I do agree, oh I do."

All was well in Konoha.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

T'was a fine morn and three young ones sat on a field that was perfect… because it was in konoha.

The first - and only - lass had perfect pink hair and a perfectly underdeveloped body. Her name was Haruno Sakura. A perfect person who resided in the perfect village of perfect peaceful ninja, Konoha.

The second lad was wearing a black T-shirt that read 'Black Veil Brides' he was wearing white make up and if I do say so myself, his black hair resembled a swan's bottom. This was Uchiha Sasuke. The last member of the Uchiha clan who all fainted one night and never woke up again.

That is the story and we're sticking by it. Don't get any funny ideas. Death does not exist here… just like you won't if you dare question me.

The third lad, was the lad that we have already had an encounter with. Uzumaki Naruto. He wasn't wearing any clothes, instead opting to smother his whole body in orange body paint.

"SASUKE-KUN. GO ON A DATE WITH ME!" The young lass squealed. You didn't hear that, okay?

"Hn." The young man grunted.

"SAKURA-CHAN! GO ON A DATE WITH ME!" Naruto yelled. Sakura glared at him and pulled back her fist. She impacted it against his face and then rushed at him as he fell,stomping on his downed form over and over and over and over and over…

This never happened. Got it?

Now let's look somewhere else.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx**

A spiky white haired man looked at the toilet. Such a dirty thing did not belong in the Utopia that was Konoha. The spiky haired man was Jiraiya of the Sannin.

He giggled.

He ran through various hand signs. In Konoha it was mandatory to learn sign language because Konoha was an accepting place which respected disabilities such as hearing loss… Konoha would never need to use it though, because just like the village, the people were also perfect.

Slowly his form turned invisible, only the faint outline of the body was visible. His form shrunk slowly and slowly and the invisible man hopped into the toilet.

"Watch out, ladies," Jiraiya giggled. "Jiraiya is getting up close and personal."

…

Let's visit another scene in our idyllic village, shall we.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

It has been four days since we last encountered our three favourite children, Naruto, Sauce cake and Smack her up.

"WHERE'S OUR LAZY SENSEI!? HE'S BEEN LATE BY FOUR DAYS."

Suddenly a man appeared in front of them. He had a headband covering one eye and spiky, silver hair. This was Hatake Kakashi. he was reading a small orange book and he had one hand in his trousers that were slowly moving around the crotch area.

"Sorry, I was fukkin bitches and gettin' money, mayne" he said lazily.

"YOU'RE LATE!" Naruto and Sakura screamed.

"Baby, chill," Kakashi said, looking at Sakura.

"TEACH US SOMETHING!"

"People always expectin' mayne I ain't no teacher mayne I'm jus doin' community service mayne. I ain't even like you you mayne, real talk mayne. That whack ass orange punk screamin' like he want to be Hokage or sum shit like that mayne chill. This little gay ass emo punk bitch cryin' cos his homies got popped or some shit."

He looked at Sakura.

"An' this fine ass lil' ho screamin' like I fucked her in da asshole, yo."

"I'M 12!"

"Age ain't nothin' but a number boo. Why don't you come round my crib for some… private lessons?"

"You were four days late, I must get revenge for this most heinous crime," Sasuke said. "I need more power!"

"I'M GOING TO BE HOKAGE!"

And that is the story of our perfect village. If you think that the village is anything otherwise, then you can go fuck yourself because you deserve to be shot in front of your family.

THE END.

**I don't think I'll ever write anything like that again... I just had an urge to. It was fun! Thanks for reading if you bothered to. I wouldn't even bother to... hell, I didn't even proof read this so I don't really even know what I just wrote.**


End file.
